I used to love xmas so much. I can't begin to tell you how excited I used to get on Christams Eve and how good I felt going to bed. I guess one of the things that I remember the most about Christmas is the fact that my sister and I got brand new, I mean brand new, sheets on our bed on Christmas Eve. We also got brand new pajamas. I felt so good going to bed and the anticipation used to drive me mad.... I loved it so much..... couldn't wait to open those presents in the morning.
I used to run into my sister's room on Christmas morning and wake her up.... always. I would always be dead excited to run downstairs and see what we had under the tree. I guess I was a LITTLE excited..... haha.
My Mum and Dad used to play the 'hot, cold' game with us sometimes, to find some of the other presents that weren't under the tree. Isn't it funny how things like that you can remember so vividly? Anyway, needless to say, I can remember shaking all over due to being so excited. Our Rudy used to run around everywhere and bite all the paper, as far as I can remember. We also had two budgies that used to just sit there and watch the whole thing of course. My bird was green and white and our Jackie's was a canary colour. You know that I cannot remember my bird's name, but I can remember our Jackie's....it was Mitsy!!!!!!!
Don't remember too much else other than having a good breakfast. Don't remember too much what we ate, but with me it must have been only toast or weetabix.... Mr. Picky eater wouldn't eat anything at that age.... oh how I have changed my tastes now!!!!!!!
In the afternoon, we would then go to my Nanna and Grandad McCarthy's. All my Mum's sisters and brothers and all of our cousins, who we didn't see that much throughout the rest of the year, were there. It was the same on my Dad's side. We didn't get to see each other much during the year, but Christmas was always an exception. I remember there being loads of people in the living room and I remember Nanna Mac and the aunties all being in and out of the kitchen getting ready to serve sandwiches and the like. We all had presents of course and as I remember my Mum telling me, we had such a big family that each aunt was given one of the cousins to buy something for. It was a nice time and I guess I remember it because I am writing about it now.
Then on Boxing Day, it was our turn to go to Dad's side of the family. We all went to my Nanna Campbell's house. All the aunts and uncles and cousins were there of course, as well as my Dad's first and second cousins and some of his aunts and uncles. I remembe the adults would all go down the street to the pub and auntie Eileen would make the sandwiches for when everyone would come back. Auntie Eileen didn't drink, by the way.
I remember the pickled onions in the jars on the mantlepiece above the fireplace. I cringed everytime someone would go and open one of the jars and take a pickled onion. Even to this day, I can't stand the smell of anything that is pickled. Nothing to do with those onions; I can't even stand the smell of pickled kimchi here in Korea....
When the adults came back from the pub, the fireplace would be well on its way and then everyone would have a sing-along. Nanna Campbell had a piano in her living room, so it was perfect. I remember listening to my Dad and Nanna and some of his cousins singing....... didn't think much of it at that time, but now it is such a great memory.
It was such a nice warm, family feeling and even though we didn't get to see each other during the year that much, it was still such a special time of year. I am trying to remember that Christmas is exactly about that and trying not to be so negative, but it is easier said than done.
Christmas took on a different kind of feeling once I got married. I blame myself really for not being forceful enough with my wife at the time and letting her change my attitude towards Christmas. It no longer became a joyous time, but took on a beast of its own, mainly one of stress and moaning and whining.
Either way, I changed my outlook towards Christmas and shame on me. I guess even today, there are a lot of remnants still floating around in my head from that time and they don't really deserve to be there anymore. They only exist because I allow them to and I am doing my damndest to get rid of them forever.
Once I got divorced, Christmas became an even sadder time of the year due to not being with my son on Christmas Day and having 'ruined' Christmas for him as I would think, anyway. It is such a nice time of year for family and I guess that I felt I had failed as a family man. I don't feel that way anymore, but as I said before, those old remaining thoughts sometimes find their way through to the surface. That makes me mad too that I can still feel that way after so so many years.
So what I am going to do this year is to embrace Christmas and have no negative thoughts about it. I am going to get back on the road to recovery and think about all those wonderful times and thoughts that I have in my head about Christmas.
My Mum and Dad still love Christmas as much as they ever did. I used to be jealous of that fact years ago. I now realize that it is important to keep your traditions and to keep doing something that brings so much happiness to so many families at this special time of year.
I know there are families that are screwed up and people who are poor and I should be empathetic with them, but it is not my job to wrong the rights of the world. I can do that in my own way throughout my lifetime. Now, I need to just enjoy the time of year, even if I am away from my family. It is a time of year that should be embraced. I have fond memories that will last forever, so why should I be sad at Christmas.
Happiness is always a choice and I am making that choice now about Christmas. No more negative comments, only happiness and good feeling about the festive time of year...... okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This year is a little bit more heartwarming for me as I feel that for the first time in a long long time, I have found some comfort within myself and really have no 'issues' that need to be resolved because they are causing me pain and heartache.
Don't get me wrong. I have 'issues' just like anyone else, but they are in full control now and I feel so happy to be able to say that. I will be going home to Canada with my emotions intact and with 'all my marbles." I could not have said that the last time I went home and could not have said that the last time I saw all my family and hung out there for 3 years. I am going to cherish seeing my family and hanging out with them. Too bad I can't do it now at Christmas because I feel this year I feel completely different about this time of year.
I am off to the gym again tonight. Ran last night, so tonight it will be weights. I haven't worked out with weights for about a week, so I am chomping at the bit to lift some dumbells and some free-weights.
Tomorrow is Friday already....wow, this week has gone by quite fast. Oh and by the way, now that 'Lost' is all caught up, I am on to the new show now, 'Rome.' Gareth got me into it and I downloaded the first season from spytorrent last night and am now on episode 10 of 14 or 15. It is a collaberation of HBO and BBC. Most of the actors are British, which is pretty cool. It is a bit risque at times, but it is easy to follow and there are some good subplots going on all the time. It is fairly historically correct and I am really enjoying it right now.
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