I woke up from the weirdest dreams, which as usual I forgot to write down and now can't remember them. I even had a 'porno' dream the other day.... haha. I was in one of the movies and the woman was telling me that I was the best fella that she had ever been with. Not a bad thing to say considering she said she has been with about 40 or 50 fellas!!!!!!! Funny really.... I remember that one though!
Today I find myself thinking so much I just can't shut down the thing!!!!!! I have tried to just go to another place, but believe me nothing is working. I ran 7.2 kms at the gym and even that didn't work. Went for a nap and then woke up after about 30 mins. I am hoping by writing about it, I can let it go and finally just lose all the thoughts racing around in my head.
I think what started it all was a song by Marc Anthony that I listened to last night on my computer. I didn't choose it, the player was on shuffle. The song is called "She Sang To Me."
It brought so many thoughts back of events over the last 6 years or so. It reminded me of Thailand. I met a girl there and we sort of hit it off. I stayed at her little condo for about 3 of the days that I was in Pataya.
Dave was there with his girlfriend, so I kind of was on my own to scoop things out. He was having a good time with his girlfriend and I felt like a third wheel, so off I went and ended up running into this Thai girl as I was walking around Pattaya. I met her in front of an alley cafe. I even remember her name still; Aor Kamonthip.
She didn't mean anything to me, as usual, which is par for the course ever since I got divorced. I don't think I am capable of ever loving that unconditionally ever again and don't particularly want to either. I am not complaining about being in that condition, just stating how I have felt and feel about myself.
Anyway, we were staying at her house and she asked me if I had listened to Marc Anthony and I said that I knew one or two of his songs. She had his first cd and we listened to it a lot over the course of the next few days. It is a really good cd, but really mushy and I just remember it covering every feeling that I had ever had since my divorce and all the bullshit that had gone on with my son...... that in itself is a story that I don't even care to go into..... things are cool with him now though!!!!!
So all those memories of the trip to Thailand came flooding back last night, as well as some of the other good and bad memories of the last few years. I was thinking about marriage and relationships and kids and the whole gammit of things from life to death.
Add to that, that I just found out my cousin Jonathan's girlfriend is pregnant, it made me think more than I usual do... .blah blah blah. Someone please stop me....... please, please! Or maybe not.
I am not depressed, by the way. It is funny that some of the people that read my blog can interpret things in different ways. I have had the opportunity to find out how some people react to some of the blogs and it surprised me to tell you the truth. J
ust remember this; that it is just my way of putting my thoughts sometimes out there and other times just talking about my life and experiences. I hope that people read enough of my other blogs to get a feel of who I am or aspire to be...... I have no fucken clue at all!!! That is the truth!!!!!!!!!
I called my Mum and Dad the other day and my Dad answered. It was so so funny. He was so on form and if you know him at all, every second word was @#@###*@*@*@*@. Mum was telling him to stop swearing, which made it even funnier. He was having a go at me, as usual, which I love, by the way.
I used to be so sensitive when I was younger about things that he would say and didn't really have a clue about why he was saying things or even about him really. It took me a while to get to know who my Dad was..... all my fault of course. He is the best Dad in the whole world and loves me to bits.
Through all the immaturity of my youth, I did not realize how much and how really special he was. I thankfully do now. Add my Mum to the mix who is the sweetest woman that I know and that makes for the best parents that I could ever ask for..... oh how soppy..... I know. Again, just all these thoughts going through my head again.
I didn't talk to my Mum and Dad and sister for over 5 years, which guts me to this day.... I know it is gone and I can't regret it, but I sure as shit do!!!!!!
My sister is also the coolest girl that I know. We used to fight like cat and dog when we were young, but never nasty. We always had this bond... don't know how to explain it. Don't really need to. She loves me and I love her to death. I miss her like mad sometimes and just wish I could pop around for a coffee. That is never gonna happen as I could never settle in North America ever again after being in another continent and living this stress free life. She knows that as well, which is so our Jackie.
Stress free life? You sure as shit don't sound stress-free to us, Paul!!!!!!!!!
I have a great relationship with my family now( I always did, but certain things stopped me realizing it.....me, me, me, me!!!!! I also feel guilty sometimes being so far away from them, but that is the gypsy in me that makes me who I am...... Maybe they made me into a gypsy with the move from England to Canada..... who knows anyway...... shit Paul, stop! Can you just stop!!!!!!
Mistakes are made and I think as long as we don't make the same ones again, is very important. I pride myself on learning from them and I hope that I have. I am not going to go into any more diatribe....enough for now. Sorry if I sound so confused. I really am not, but really am and just wanted to get it out there..... I sure as shit did a good job with that didn't I!!!!!!!
Looking forward to watching some football tonight in Itaewon, if we ever get there, as Dave is doing some photo shoot with some Korean woman that he met during the week. She said she wanted some photos of foreigners for her son who is studying photography in university. Dave is just eating it up..... he certainly loves his ego..... sorry Dave, but it is the truth.... haha!!!!!!!
I can taste going home to see my family now. Just want to get through the next 8 weeks and then feel relieved to see them after so much time..... another guilty feeling because of the prior shit with that 5 year hiatus in our lives. Off now, before I write a novel.
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